This blogger slacker is facing a hysterectomy

Welp, I've had a hell of a month. Dad was peeing blood (he's fine, we had all kinds of tests done. I had no idea that a prostate could bleed for no particular reason. Pretty sure I already posted about him falling threw a glass table at some point. Still fine there.

I finally finished up my LTD appeal. Still no word on my dad's back pay. Just getting that appeal in really made me RELAX and I've been doing some gardening and being social with the neighbors which I haven't been because of my hermitage. Really nice women (and men) on my street.

I found a consignment shop with some REALLY nice things and have a summer wardrobe again. I am now down to 155 and my old summer stuff hangs on me (still the stress diet, it's so hard for me to go buy salad stuff because I end up wasting it and I LOVE salad) the not drinking is probably helping with the weight, because I go for crappy comfort food once I realize my body is telling me it's starving. And then it's a couple bites and I'm done.

The gardening is messing with my fibro, so I'm going back to the gym TODAY to just stretch and roll around on those huge airballs. Will throw in some elliptical and that's about it.

Anyway, first thing this morning I found out I had a bad pap. This is getting old. I can't keep having biopsies and surgeries every freaking 6 months. Can you say INVASIVE MEDICAL TRAUMA? My doc and I will decide if a hysterectomy is the correct course of action, but JEBUS, that's major surgery.

Well, another good thing I'm doing for myself is reading fiction again. My kindle is filled up with technical things, get happy books and other non-fiction. I got the latest Stephen King and I can read it when I'm waiting around for dad or other appointments. It's really good if you like the Dark Tower Series.

Yeah, I don't want this to be a whiny blog, and I want to say that I do have a great support system and like to throw in some happy shit here and there. I also want to post someday about winning the lottery. THAT would make me really happy. ;)

Things get better!

My father got his benefits reinstated, but not the back pay... YET. I now only need the letter from my doc and to update my narrative of why I should win the appeal. My therapist turned me on to EFT (tapping) and it made a HUGE difference immediately. Check out http://www.eft-alive.com/eft-therapy.html There are a lot of videos and websites about this, but going through it with my therapist was extremely helpful. It takes you to a highly agitated place and then back down. You can feel it in your body. It's not weird science, it actually works on the neural pathways of your brain and acupressure areas. SO I cried my eyes out and ended up laughing my ass off. I was using very foul language and flipping the bird and LL (therapist) and I almost peed ourselves.

Now I've been "bad" with doing this every day (like updating my blog) and I have lots of "issues" to work on. But I'm more ambitious now and have been very busy just getting things done. I'm also not taking my supplements very often and can FEEL it. So I will sign off for now and down the 27 freaking pills (or at least half) and maybe do some EFT so I can finally schedule the dentist appointments I've been putting off.

Emotional Paralysis

Yep, been a while since I posted. I was trying for a page a day and then, yanno, life gets in the way. My father fell THROUGH a glass coffee table and cut himself. It could have been much, much worse, but he's ok now. Brings back the whole "Dad Fear" that I was finally getting over, he'd been doing so well. So, off to physical therapy tomorrow to work on balance.

The VA paperwork I filled out for his yearly deal, has not gone through and they have not paid him this month. Waiting on the American Legion to check into it and call me back. Still no back pay. I found out that his Kaiser Medical Financial Aid runs out on April 17th and he can't apply again until NEXT April.

In the meantime, I've been living off of my IRA. I owe a crapload in taxes and my Long Term Disability has been denied. Standard Operating Procedure. I've been working like mad on my appeal, but all of this is making me go BACKWARDS in the jumpstarting of my life.

I can't stomach any more paperwork today. I am just paralyzed and overwhelmed. I need to find something else to do while my mind absorbs all of this. I've been sleeping too much. Sometimes it helps. I've overcommited myself for the next several days and can't get out of any of it. I'm just hoping we can blame all of this on mercury (my favorite scapegoat planet) and it will all work itself out in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm waiting on phone calls for all of this and as always, hoping for the powerball. I think instead of spinning around my house, I need to find something unimportant to do. Maybe clean the fridge?

My present diet and exercize program

Hardy Har Har Har!

I used to be a big foodie and was very creative in the kitchen. The last couple years, I've lost my taste for food. I don't eat until WAY late in the day and drink black tea from the time I get up until 2.  Then I realize I need something and grab a fiber bar or handful of nuts (anything easy) and at least get something into me. When my husband is home, I do cook. Mostly comfort foods. Give me meat and potatos and I'm good to go.

Exercise? Yeah, not so much. I try to stretch, I have some pilates bands. Makes a big difference almost immediately. Yesterday, I went with the dogs and a friend for a THIRTY MINUTE WALK! In the SUN. and it was HOT. I came home and passed out for about 2.5 hours and had to nurse my twisted ankle. I will have to tell you someday about why I need to be bubble wrapped.

So now we are loaded with fresh fruits and veggies, I have green chile on the stove, fresh salsa in the over and am experimenting with different "milks". I have coconut, almond and soy. Mostly of the chocolate variety. Mix it in with regular and a semi-healthy chocolate milk!

So, yeah, will get back to you on the exercise thing. I pulled the hose around the yard today. When did THAT become so difficult? Baby steps

Happy Fun Stuff

While I'm not the barrel of laughs I was was, I do try to look for things to be happy about. Fake it 'til you make it? I guess some people to gratitude journals and affirmations. I used to roll my eyes at that kind of thing, but it's GOT to be better than focusing on everything that is "wrong".

Even though I'm a week as a kitten, the stress diet has made it possible to fit into my old cool clothes. Well some of them. Still need to hide the underarm dingle dangle, but I'm not ROUND anymore. I'm not up to the makeup thing yet, but yesterday I actually put on a necklace. Sounds stupid, but I run around in sweats and maybe some jeans most of the time. I got a compliment on the jewelry FROM A STRAIGHT MAN. hee!

I have 2 dogs and 2 cats. All healthy! They all love each other and make me laugh every day.

I have the absolute best husband in the world. He has put up with so much of my trauma and has been nothing but kind and supportive even though he wasn't "getting any" for a long time.

Premarin cream. See above. It just hurt and I was avoiding all touch except for massage. I used to "leak" a bit (remember PIMP? hahahah) and that's almost GONE. So things are improving (slowly) in the romantic area. I hope this isn't TMI, but I had no idea this would be such a great thing or I would have started a long time ago.

Since being medically terminated, I no longer am in a hostile environment. I had hoped to get a different position there that I could do part time, but they yanked the ADA stuff on me. I had enough systems to fight, that I won't even bother going after them on that one. I now have a great support system of professionals and friends (not many are local and I don't drive far) my internet buddies (that I have met most of), my MIL and FIL and even my brother whom I used to avoid at all costs.

Happy books, tv and movies. I've removed most of the violent crime shows from my DVR. NOT dexter! NOT True Blood, I love dark comedies. I glean from the headlines all I need to know (or NOT) what's going on in the world and avoid the stories of tragedy and anything that will make me cry. I have to get the crying under control. Sometimes I WILL watch a tear jerker just to get the poisons out. I'm usually good until someone asks me how I am. Tears are always hovering in the background. Then I follow up with manic laughter. I'm just fun that way. I guess you would call it craffing! The only thing really keeping me sane is that I can still laugh and joke about things. I have a twisted personality in general!

I'm also focusing on things that I like. It's an exercise I do when driving sometimes because I get the heebies. I start looking for pretty colors, nice cars, houses, birds. It's a great tool for getting out the garbage in your head. Right now I'm adoring my spider plant and ignoring the pile of papers I have to deal with on my desk.

Oh, and music. I stopped listening to MUSIC. I need to put that on my list of things to bring back. Beestie Boys anyone?

So I skipped my supplements (and the blog) for a few days...

Had my "personal assistant" over on Monday. I did 2 hours of prep and she and I worked together for 4. Slept 3.5 hours after she left because that's just too much work for me to handle right now. But things are falling into place around here. Forgot the supps.

Tuesday was running my dad around, locking my keys in the car (thank god for AAA!) Then it was a rush back to the house to help install an overhead light in the kitchen before it got dark. I killed myself helping hold this big thing up while my husband was drilling it in. I was on a ladder and getting the shakes. We had it almost done and then the ground wire broke. It was old. Good thing, because we realized that we had it off center by THREE freaking inches. We will attempt this again on his next day off. At least we know WTF we are doing now. I'm so not handy! Getting there. I know what some of the thingamobs and doohickeys are really called now!

Yesterday, woke up in pain. I was just out of it. Although I took all my Rx's,I 'd missed 2 days of supplements and was depressed and stressed. I went back to bed for another 4 hours. Got up, took all my stuff, stretched to get the lactic acid out of those muscles I don't USE anymore and stayed up until 1:30 a.m. watching movies. Slept 10 hours. I'm better at doing stuff at night anyway. So I guess I proved the plan I'm on is working. That, and I need to move more. I never would have had a problem with the manual labor years ago, so, my next step is FORCING myself out of my house to walk. I have things I can do here, a membership to a gym and 8 yoga classes left. I need to build some freaking stamina for yoga. Thank god they are all zen and don't laugh their asses off when I try to do those poses.

Caregiving will SUCK YOU DRY!

What can I say? I'm a Pisces. I've done this almost all my life. My mother was very ill most of my life and died when I was 27. I married a man with serious psychological issues (couldn't save him). Hung out with druggies and alcoholics most of my life (couldn't save them). Brother. Hmmm, he's much better. Used to be a meth head, he saved himself. Still annoying due to his untreated ADHD and serious caffeine and sugar intake, but that's his problem.

I love animals. I've had some really bad heartbreaks with a lot of them. One dog had seizures and eventually died from a rattlesnake bite. One had a very expensive knee surgery and then had an a horrible accident and had to be put down. My Lily died from bladder cancer. Sabrina was just old. I tried everything with all of these dogs, from holistic diets, acupuncture, chiropractic, herbs, vitamins, surgeries, you name it. I COULD NOT SAVE ANY OF THEM.

However, I saved my father. His life and his income. And I about killed myself in the process. The last 4 dogs I mentioned all died between the time my dad first got sick in September 2009 up until the end of 2011. Way too much going on. Throw in some abusive folks at work and I was a mess.

When you find yourself in a caregiver situation. GET HELP ASAP. Get a therapist, find a caregiver support group. Take meds if you need them. You probably do. Rest. Take care of your own health first. You can't be of service unless you are TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF. I had to find benefits and resources on my own. I "prayed" for helpful people and perfect timing and I got it. But not after I slid down into depression, stopped eating, drank and smoked myself silly. Massages will purge what you are holding in your body. Flush yourself with water, water, water!

I consider myself an expert in VA benefits and have a LOT of geriatric medical information. If I can be of help to anyone taking care of an elderly parent, please contact me. I want to give back in honor of the  wonderful people that helped ME. If you can, get them on Kaiser. They have a lot of support and financial assistance for co-pays if they are low on money.

It gets better. Trust me on this.