I do not fear death or aging...

What I am most concerned about is being debilitated and frail towards the end of my life. Which, as we all know could be any minute of any given day. Watching my SIX FOOT FIVE, smart, funny, and strong father fail was almost more that I could bear. With Alzheimer's and other physical complications, I did not like my "patient". I'm still in the grieving stage of this after 8 months and am stuck on ANGER. I'm angry that he didn't make plans for himself. He thought he'd die on the golf course after hitting a hole-in-one in a lightning storm, or a plane crash. He cancelled all his insurance because he (before I knew it) spent ALL his money going to Australia after his broker screwed him out of hundreds of thousands of dollars.

I am THRILLED he travelled. He did with my mother and then with his companion of 2 decades after. When my mom was sick, she made SURE he went to Vega$ and attended parties without her. She left us at the age of 63.

If you are still with me, I want to tell you that I found out I have BOTH genetic markers for Alzheimer's. I also have other chronic diseases. I have found and can recommend doctors in Washington state and Colorado that can run these tests. The GOOD news is that they have told me that genetics is 20 to 30% and environment is the rest. I have found, through extensive research what can help ALL of us to utilize SCIENCE to improve the QUALITY of our lives, no matter how long we have.

I only wish I could have used this information for my 85.5 year old father. May not have saved my mother, but who knows? I just want to let go of the Anger Stage and remember my big strong Dad who really WAS an awesome guy!

Stay tuned for tips! XOXOXOXO

My father died in April

There. I "said" it. I don't cry for him much, but I am now. I can say that he did go peacefully in his sleep in his own bed in my home. What I hate is that his disease turned him into a man I didn't know and didn't like. On top of Alzheimer's, he had many other issues that left him almost unable to move without assistance, eat properly, or take care of his own basic needs. I was THISCLOSE to putting him in a nursing home and just almost vomited every time I came closer to that move. So it was a blessing that he went out on his own.

 

I know now that when I started this blog it was for vanity's sake. I just wanted to look good at 45. FEEL good at 45. Now I'm almost 52 and I'm afraid of becoming my dad. He did have a good long run at 85 1/2 years, but his side of the family lived to be close to or into their 100's! But he had almost NO quality of life. The fears I have about aging is not about vanity anymore. I have no children to take care of me and I have both genetic markers for Alzheimer's. However, I STILL want to look good!)

 

Having found the right doctor for me, I now have hope to drive away the fear of aging and genetics. Genetics play (roughly) 25% while environment 75%. Those are odds I like! Although I still have some very bad habits, I have incorporated what I've learned from my father's major caregivers (geriatrics), a life long study of nutrition and intensive research into Dis-ease. I will be sharing this information on this blog over time. I hope you will take time to check back and PLEASE subscribe! I will return the favor.

 

Yours in service,

S.

XOXOXO

I'm BAAACK!

So, it's been a hell of a year. I did have that hysterectomy in September and it went amazingly well. My father's health has been up and down. He spent almost a month in the hospital and reahab and I moved him to a different facility in July. It's further away, but cheaper and NICER. Found out I have other health issues that are probably directly related to the depression and anxiety. I'm going to a rheumotologist and a pulmonary doc. I need a sleep study!

Found an excellent psychiatrist that believes in "natural" remedies. My celexa intake is down by 75% which is nice. Doing a 21 day elimination diet and detox program that she will medically supervise. This will be in April.

Working out with a trainer. Not sure if this is a GREAT idea, because I think it's too much for the fibro. Been waking up with severe pain several nights a week in different areas and then it goes away. Could be related to other health issues, so I will continue with the trainer and gym until someone tells me not to.

Social life has improved. I actually feel like going out for FUN every now and again. I'm still pretty isolated, but not lonely. My dad and I went and saw a MOVIE at a THEATER the other week. Silver Linings Playbook. WONDERFUL. It's all about perspective. Everyone has problems! And there ARE solutions. Two Thumbs Up.

xoxo

Dusting off the Blog with a Guest Blogger!

A very lovely man reached out to me about my caregiving post. I would like to share with you (with his pemission) what it was like for him. I did look him up on the internet and he is truly amazing and walks the walk and talks the talk. Here he is! I hope he jumps in and takes a bow!

The Challenge of Caring for a Cancer Patient

On November 21, 2005, my wife Heather was diagnosed with malignant pleural mesothelioma. Our doctor immediately explained our next options.  We would need to see a specialist to treat the cancer. Our options were the local university hospital, a regional hospital, or a mesothelioma specialist in Boston.

I waited for my wife to respond to the choices, but she remained silent. Her face bore an expression of shock and disbelief.  I knew she needed help, and I knew that I needed to be the one to step up and help her. I turned to the doctor and said, "Get us to Boston!"

Our daughter Lily had been born a little over three months prior to the diagnosis. We had expected to spend the holiday season celebrating her first Christmas. Instead, the months that followed became a harrowing ordeal. Heather had to quit working during treatment, and I was only able to work part time. In addition to my job, I now had to make travel arrangements, attend doctor's appointments with my wife, and take care of Lily. I quickly became overwhelmed by my busy schedule and the intense fear that my wife would die of her disease. I worried that I would end up as a broke and homeless single father. The support that Heather and I received from family, friends, and even complete strangers was a tremendous blessing during this difficult time. Their emotional and even financial aid helped me to manage the stress and uncertainty of being a caregiver.

Seven years since her diagnosis, Heather is now completely healthy again. After undergoing radiation, chemotherapy, and surgery, she finally beat her horrible disease. The experience of caring for a cancer patient taught me to use stubbornness and determination to my advantage. It also reminded me of the value of time.

While working and caring for my family, I went back to school to study information technology. My time as a caregiver gave me the strength and the courage I needed to pursue this dream of mine. I graduated with honors and was the speaker at my class' graduation. As I said during the speech, five years earlier, sitting in the doctor’s office and finding out that my wife had mesothelioma, I never could have predicted that I would be up on that stage and in that place in my life. My experiences throughout Heather's battle with cancer taught me that we are capable of accomplishing anything if we have faith in ourselves, and never stop fighting for the ones we love.  Now, I hope that by sharing some of our story with others, we can help inspire them in their own battles today. 

This blogger slacker is facing a hysterectomy

Welp, I've had a hell of a month. Dad was peeing blood (he's fine, we had all kinds of tests done. I had no idea that a prostate could bleed for no particular reason. Pretty sure I already posted about him falling threw a glass table at some point. Still fine there.

I finally finished up my LTD appeal. Still no word on my dad's back pay. Just getting that appeal in really made me RELAX and I've been doing some gardening and being social with the neighbors which I haven't been because of my hermitage. Really nice women (and men) on my street.

I found a consignment shop with some REALLY nice things and have a summer wardrobe again. I am now down to 155 and my old summer stuff hangs on me (still the stress diet, it's so hard for me to go buy salad stuff because I end up wasting it and I LOVE salad) the not drinking is probably helping with the weight, because I go for crappy comfort food once I realize my body is telling me it's starving. And then it's a couple bites and I'm done.

The gardening is messing with my fibro, so I'm going back to the gym TODAY to just stretch and roll around on those huge airballs. Will throw in some elliptical and that's about it.

Anyway, first thing this morning I found out I had a bad pap. This is getting old. I can't keep having biopsies and surgeries every freaking 6 months. Can you say INVASIVE MEDICAL TRAUMA? My doc and I will decide if a hysterectomy is the correct course of action, but JEBUS, that's major surgery.

Well, another good thing I'm doing for myself is reading fiction again. My kindle is filled up with technical things, get happy books and other non-fiction. I got the latest Stephen King and I can read it when I'm waiting around for dad or other appointments. It's really good if you like the Dark Tower Series.

Yeah, I don't want this to be a whiny blog, and I want to say that I do have a great support system and like to throw in some happy shit here and there. I also want to post someday about winning the lottery. THAT would make me really happy. ;)

Things get better!

My father got his benefits reinstated, but not the back pay... YET. I now only need the letter from my doc and to update my narrative of why I should win the appeal. My therapist turned me on to EFT (tapping) and it made a HUGE difference immediately. Check out http://www.eft-alive.com/eft-therapy.html There are a lot of videos and websites about this, but going through it with my therapist was extremely helpful. It takes you to a highly agitated place and then back down. You can feel it in your body. It's not weird science, it actually works on the neural pathways of your brain and acupressure areas. SO I cried my eyes out and ended up laughing my ass off. I was using very foul language and flipping the bird and LL (therapist) and I almost peed ourselves.

Now I've been "bad" with doing this every day (like updating my blog) and I have lots of "issues" to work on. But I'm more ambitious now and have been very busy just getting things done. I'm also not taking my supplements very often and can FEEL it. So I will sign off for now and down the 27 freaking pills (or at least half) and maybe do some EFT so I can finally schedule the dentist appointments I've been putting off.

Emotional Paralysis

Yep, been a while since I posted. I was trying for a page a day and then, yanno, life gets in the way. My father fell THROUGH a glass coffee table and cut himself. It could have been much, much worse, but he's ok now. Brings back the whole "Dad Fear" that I was finally getting over, he'd been doing so well. So, off to physical therapy tomorrow to work on balance.

The VA paperwork I filled out for his yearly deal, has not gone through and they have not paid him this month. Waiting on the American Legion to check into it and call me back. Still no back pay. I found out that his Kaiser Medical Financial Aid runs out on April 17th and he can't apply again until NEXT April.

In the meantime, I've been living off of my IRA. I owe a crapload in taxes and my Long Term Disability has been denied. Standard Operating Procedure. I've been working like mad on my appeal, but all of this is making me go BACKWARDS in the jumpstarting of my life.

I can't stomach any more paperwork today. I am just paralyzed and overwhelmed. I need to find something else to do while my mind absorbs all of this. I've been sleeping too much. Sometimes it helps. I've overcommited myself for the next several days and can't get out of any of it. I'm just hoping we can blame all of this on mercury (my favorite scapegoat planet) and it will all work itself out in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm waiting on phone calls for all of this and as always, hoping for the powerball. I think instead of spinning around my house, I need to find something unimportant to do. Maybe clean the fridge?